Criticize it.

I’ve been thinking about writing room descriptions for the mud, but I want everyone to give me some feedback.
In this room description I used plenty of alliteration because I find it a soothing form of literature and it complimented the feel I was going for.

The air is parsimonious, exuding bewilderment upon the luxurious grand staircase that fills the entrance to this ocean-shore resort. Brilliant white pillars firmly stake their position following the front entrance to the south. Damp windows fit into walls on the east and west of the entrance. They have quite obviously been affected by the salt of the ocean, as the frames show deteriorating paint, making it look chalky and less tasteful. Aside from the ill affected windows, the walls they fit into are painted a simple off-teal, bluer if anything. It compliments the cool green curtains, which thankfully hide the majority of the window’s offensive appearance. The banister on each side of the grand staircase is a playful gold, splashed with incandescing silver circles. A radiant fitted carpet flows from the pinnacle of the staircase down to the threshold of the doorway. Leaving the carpet, the foyer has been situated upon beautiful blue stone, with kind seashells embedded into the floor.

Now, do what the subject says.
But please, do it in a constructive manner. I understand if you’re lazy, but no posts of "Yeah, that’s good." Or "Dude, that fucking sucked." Tell me why it’s good or why it’s bad, what you would do differently, and how I should reword things if indeed I do need to.

Ok, well, I skimmed through it, but before I start correcting shit and get Walldo to flip the fuck out at me being a grammar ****… Do you want those sort of corrections, or no?

Sure thing.

I pretty much like it. Its very descriptive of the room. The only real faults I see are:
grammar like he said
sentence structure

If I can remember right, a while ago I was told that the recipe for a good room desc. General Description, followed by the finer tuned descriptions. Everything should be linked if your going to look at it right. Sort of running through a process of looking. Do the obvious features, then move on to detail.

But hey, atleast your trying. Most wouldn’t want to go through the hard work of it. Keep it up

I admit that I’ve relied on microsoft word to do the grammar processing. There were no errors, so if someone could point out exactly what is grammaticly wrong, I’d really appreciate it.

Well your not logged into Aim, or I would have just sent it there.

The air is parsimonious, exuding bewilderment upon the luxurious grand staircase that fills the entrance to this ocean-shore resort., brilliant white pillars firmly stake their position following the front entrance to the south. Damp windows fit into walls on the east and west of the entrance, they have quite obviously been affected by the salt of the ocean, as the frames show deteriorating paint, making it look chalky and less tasteful. Aside from the ill affected windows, the walls they fit into are painted a simple off-teal, bluer if anything. It is complimented by the cool green curtains, which thankfully hide the majority of the window’s offensive appearance. The banister on each side of the grand staircase is a playful gold, splashed with incandescent silver circles, a radiant fitted carpet flows from the pinnacle of the staircase down to the threshold of the doorway. Leaving the carpet, the foyer has been situated upon beautiful blue stone, with kind seashells embedded into the floor.

incandescent? not sure exactly what you were shooting for, but either way, you had is spelled wrong. I took out some of the ‘periods’ and added comma to give the room flow. Remember, running example of the room. First you take a quick glance notice major stuff. then comes the small details. I’m sure RJ could do a better job at ripping up the grammar mistakes, but those honestly aren’t the things I first notice when reading through a description.

(I also tried PMing it, but it wouldn’t even send this little bit to you)

Its too long. A good desc should be between 5-7 lines so it doesn’t make the room look crowded. The minimum it should ever be is 3 lines, and then that needs to be a very sparse room, like a ummm sensor deprivation chamber or something.

Smash.

2-3 sentences is all that is really needed to convey a idea on what the room looks like.

What sticks out most to me is "playful gold" and "kind
seashells". I’m not sure ascribing attributes to colors and
objects is a good idea. While I can imagine a kind seashell
is one that doesn’t cut your feet when you step on it, I
have a hard time imagining playful gold.

Overall, I like the style, but I’d recommend being careful
howit is used.

Yes, too descriptive can be a problem. If Robert Jordan were still alive, he would show you all up in describing each and every character with seventeen pages. (much like he did for dresses)

If Robert Jordan were alive, he would need to die for the crimes against language he’s committed.

Also, I know you’re trying to go for fluid, poetic, and descriptive, but phrases "parsimonious, exuding bewilderment" and tacking one or two adjectives on to every last noun might be a bit much. Similarly, it’s usually best to avoid making too much of a statement about the affects of an environment on a person, like air exuding bewilderment. Generally, if you do a good enough job describing the environment without describing its effects, people will KNOW the effects.

Well, I’ve gone "grammar ****" on it; here’s the result.

The air is parsimonious, exuding bewilderment upon the luxurious grand staircase that fills the entrance to this ocean-shore resort., [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]"Ocean shore" isn’t a compound adjective, or one of the other rules for hyphen use. Also, it’s not an abbreviation, so only one period, and capitalize the following "b," as it’s the beginning of a new sentence.[/color:d72uoyfe] brilliant white pillars firmly stake their position [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]Unless the pillars are engaged in some sort of orgy, they’d be in more than one position. Toss on an "s." [/color:d72uoyfe]following the front entrance to the south. Damp windows fit into walls on the east and west of the entrance, [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]Commas can’t be used to join independent clauses without a conjunction. Add a coordinating conjunction, or change it to a semi-colon.[/color:d72uoyfe] they have quite obviously been affected by the salt of the ocean, as the frames show deteriorating paint, making it look chalky and less tasteful. Aside from the ill affected [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]"Ill-affected" is a compound adjective; add a hyphen.[/color:d72uoyfe] windows, the walls they fit into are painted a simple off-teal, [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]Once again, you’re joining independent clauses with a comma. Fix it.[/color:d72uoyfe] bluer if anything. It is complimented by the cool green curtains, which thankfully hide the majority of the window’s offensive appearance. The banister on each side of the grand staircase is a playful gold, splashed with incandescent silver circles, [color=#FF0000:d72uoyfe]I’ll copy and paste my "commas can not be used to join independent clauses" argument from the old forums if I get another mistake like this.[/color:d72uoyfe] a radiant fitted carpet flows from the pinnacle of the staircase down to the threshold of the doorway. Leaving the carpet, the foyer has been situated upon beautiful blue stone, with kind seashells embedded into the floor.